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The Latest and Greatest Toilet Reviews!

Hot toddy, gigggly

It's Saturday night on the Lower East Side. This is after using the restroom at Lucky Jacks. By now, I am three hours into this first date when that hot toddy I drank at the restaurant finally kicks in--I gotta go. Luckily, so does he. Already a good sign, wouldn't you say? Nothing says "soul-mates" like synched bladders.

"Know what I love?" I say.
"What?" He says nervously, with this look that says, "Uh-oh, she's going to say me. I knew she was crazy when she said she was reviewing toilets."
"Arcades," I say.
"Oh," he sighs, relieved (or do I detect a hint of disappointment?). "Me too."
"Want to go to one?" I offer.
"Do they have a toilet?" He says.
"Yeah," I say. "Probably."
"Let's see if they have Galaga."

Two Bits did not have Galaga, but they did have a restroom. It was also crowded enough where we're able to slip on line unnoticed. The restroom itself is pretty gross. As I've come to expect with most unisex bathrooms, the toilet seat was up when it was finally my turn to use it. There was soggy toilet paper everywhere, graffiti floor to ceiling-- probably due to the high traffic. But it did have toilet paper, a working sink, paper towels and soap. I peed quickly, still a bit dizzy and giggly from the booze, washed my hands and contemplated challenging my date to a round of tetris.
everybodypoops Female, 25 years old.
New York, New York
On December 19, 2013, 5:33 pm
What I Did in Here: peed, beat the system

tried on glasses, feeling relieved that I don't wear them

Those of you who follow my posts already know, my mother has particular tastes. After spending over three hours watching her try on the same two identical frames, I decided that I needed something, anything, that would be more mentally stimulating than debating the aesthetic appeal of chrome versus silver.

To my surprise, this was no regular eyeglass boutique. Near the bathroom towards the back of the store, are two cages. One houses a large black and white bunny, the other, a light brown hamster. After taking photos of these animals, I decided to check out the loo.

Smack-dab in the center of the room is a giant poster of two models, hair blowing in the imaginary wind, one sporting oversized sunglasses and straight white teeth. This is directly above the toilet, which, all in all, was pretty average. It flushed. There was toilet paper. The sink worked. The mirror was accessible. Soap..yep. I did take note, however, of the access to free contact solution on the sink. This is definitely a plus if you happen to be nearby when your contact pops out.
everybodypoops Female, 25 years old.
Brooklyn, New York
On December 19, 2013, 5:07 pm
What I Did in Here: sight seeing

Four damn sips of water; slightly frantic

I came here after seeing Catching Fire, which is one doozy of a long movie, but by some late Thanksgiving miracle, I didn't have to bolt for the bathroom immediately thereafter.

I probably should have, though.

Home Depot is just across the street, so I figured I'd pick up a few things. Turns out I overestimated my holding power. By the time we entered the lot, I'd been sneak-attacked, overwhelmed by a savage need to pee.

Anyone who's ever been inside a Home Depot knows just how big they are. Hopefully you're not like me and practically bursting with piss, but if you've got an emergency, you'd better be speed walking it if you want to hit this toilet in time. From the entrance, the bathrooms are a very long trek to the very last aisle.

Once you get to that last aisle, however, the restroom sign is hanging loud and proud from the ceiling, so you can't miss it. Head right into the alcove beneath it and look left for the bathrooms. There are a couple of water fountains just outside the men's bathroom if you dare.

I guess what bothered me most about these bathrooms was that I could smell them long before I even went in. Rounding the first corner, I was hit with a pungent combo of B.O and urine, but mostly B.O. Thankfully, the stench of armpit, salami and tzatziki sauce dissipated when I entered the ladies' room. The urine lingered just a little. Nothing too terrible, though.

In fact, the bathroom was impeccably clean. So clean that I took great care to wipe my tinkle sprinkles from the seat since no amount of control could temper how violent a piss that was. This place is well-stocked with the important stuff, including a functional number of stalls.
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
Newark, New Jersey
On December 19, 2013, 2:33 pm
What I Did in Here: Pissed a river and cleaned a toilet seat.

Green tea and Twizzlers; comfy

Oh, City Plex. How I love thee. If I had to pick a happy place that didn't peg me a raging alcoholic, it would be this theater. I'm perfectly fine driving out of my way to come here and I'm pretty sure I come here way too often. Frozen was brilliant, by the way.

As movie theaters go, this place is a dream. The matinee prices are as low as you'd expect in Jersey, never will you encounter a sticky floor, and on most days, you're lucky enough that you may only have to encounter a handful of people. Granted I'm more of a daytime movie-goer, every screening feels like a private one.

There are three bathrooms for your convenience, one at each end of the theater to minimize travel time when you've got to go. The third bathroom I didn't discover until my last visit. You don't even have to be a paying customer to use this one, as it's right near the entrance. I also realized why I never noticed it: it's behind an unmarked door next to the game room, between the photo booth and the claw machine. Without asking an employee, I'd have never known it was there. This bathroom has only a single toilet, and as such, it's well-used compared to the bathrooms deeper in the theater.

Lines are virtually non-existent for having so many options. The bathroom to the right of the ticket taker is slightly smaller, so I much prefer the one at the far end of the theater. This one, the biggest and most remote of the restrooms, features 9 stalls, 8 sinks, and 3 dryers. Employees are always making rounds, checking inventory, making sure everything's in order, and everything always is.

The stalls are roomy and chances are, you'll be in there alone, so this is a great place to do whatever you damn well please. The toilets have auto-sensors, and like most toilets with auto-sensors, they seem to take forever to "sense" something. Unlike some auto-sensors, however, there's a huge button panel so you can flush at your own discretion. Too often have I encountered flush buttons so tiny you'd practically need a pin to push them.

There are plenty of sinks and there's always soap, though I do have a minor complaint about the hand dryers being above the counters. It creates a lot of unreasonable wetness at times, but it's hardly a deal-breaker and they seem to keep it under wraps.
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
Newark, New Jersey
On December 19, 2013, 2:32 pm
What I Did in Here: Took a tiny tinkle and snooped about.

A margarita or two; somewhat satisfied.

Say what you want, but the Theater District is one of the worst places to drink in Manhattan. Most of the bars and the people that frequent them are just so darn stuffy. I decided to drop in on this place after visiting a friend at work, as they were the only ones even advertising a happy hour.

So, here's the deal: there's an upstairs bar that features an "all day happy hour". That is, $5 cosmos, appletinis, and margaritas along with $4 Blue Moons. Not bad at all and my margarita did have a nice punch to it. Granted I started my day drinking rather early, this is a good bar to drink at for some quiet time as the restaurant itself seems to draw an older crowd that isn't interested in drinking at 2 p.m. Apparently, it gets a lot rowdier later on.

The bathroom has all of the basics, including the sort of protected TP dispenser that I like. However, the hand dryer runs cold and is virtually ineffective. Fortunately, the aforementioned TP dispenser means you can yank off some sheets to handle the faucet and the door without soaking the entire roll. And speaking of the door, this one could use some WD-40. It's stiff and creaky and it may take some violent pushes and pulls for it cooperate.

When you come up the stairs, a hostess will ask if you'd like to sit at a table. Tell her you'd like to sit at the bar and ask for the bathroom. The bathroom is just before the bar on the right hand side. There's little to stop you from peeing and blowing the joint, even if the host stand is just a few steps away. This may require some balls, but what the hell are they going to do, really?
slackerology Female, 31 years old.
New York, New York
On December 19, 2013, 2:31 pm
What I Did in Here: Forced out a precautionary tinkle before hopping the N train.

A bunch of French food and a bottle of wine. I'm feeling great.

So for international restaurants it is hard to know if the theme is authentic or an American impersonation of this foreign dining experience. Many places avoid this confusion by becoming "fusion" restaurants. Le Diplomate does not such thing. This place aims to be French through and through, and the theme continues in the bathroom.

There is nothing futuristic or modern about this bathroom. There are no shiny new gadgets or cool lighting arrangements. This bathroom wants to make you feel like you are in a France that could not care about technology because "nous sommes francais" and therefore we don't need to care about gadgets. Everything works so why change it.

The bathroom looked like a slightly modern version of 60's or 70's French bathroom. Two urinals that extend to the floor and two or three stalls. The urinals had motion sensors, so that was very modern. The sinks were also old school with separate faucets for hot and cold water. Very French.

However, the coup de grace of this bathroom was the wallpaper. When you walk in you don't notice the wallpaper at first, but I gave it a look as I washed my hands, and low and behold the wallpaper is a random assortment of vintage era black and white French magazine clippings featuring a wide array of nude and scantily clad women. Definitely worth a peak as you enter and exit, but no one should be a creep and linger or gaze at the wallpaper. Le Diplomate is not that kind of establishment.

This bathroom got it done. I can't vouch for the authenticity of its French features, but it was clean, well designed and had a subtle treat as you enter and exit.
gunnergetya Male, 36 years old.
On December 17, 2013, 12:33 pm
What I Did in Here: #1

Pizza and Lasagne

This school is one of the best places to get free poops. I've been pooping since I was knee high, and the free pooping here is liberating. Plentiful, sanitized, and well-stocked this school is home of all types of diverse and intellectual turds that one day may be someone's boss!

"But, Squatter, how does one find a turd deposit in the Chicago City Colleges Information technology hub?", a young crapper/student may ask. Well the rule to always follow is, "ASK SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE THEY WORK THERE." When you walk in from the many entrances you will notice a command center of security guards who help salvage the butt-wipes you would of missed if one had sharted. Just ask the magic words and they will send you in deeper to the stinky goods.

Now if you are scared of security guards and strangers just find the Arts building sign, which like all the other directional indicators is right above a tube (heh), and the most frequented and easiest to find male restroom which comes with its own sign on your right. Your Welcome!

Pooping comes easy for an expert like myself; one painful grunt and I left a vague, yet, Cthulu like poo-baby. For you non experts, try imagining the confines of a high school restroom bombarded with college poo-thoughts like "One does not simply poo in Mordor.", or " It is not what your poo can do for you, but where you can poo in your country!". You may feel a little more inspired knowing that these city colleges were all found upon some of the nation's most prominent civil right's activist dreams of us all being considered equal regardless of race, religion, and/or creed. If this doesn't give you more pride in your poop try milk of magnesia, because you are honestly constipated.
GrigoriRasputin1988 Male, 29 years old.
Chicago, Illinois
On December 13, 2013, 2:09 pm
What I Did in Here: I wrote "Cordell 4 Life" on the wall

crabmeat & pork steamed dumplings, seafood and spicy dip; gross

I came here last night after getting foot massages with my wife. After an hour long foot massage, I needed to move my bowels, and this seemed like the most intuitive place. The toilet, as well as the massage parlor, are located in the basement of the Hong Kong Supermarket. This supermarket is the sister venue to the Manhattan one.

I stepped inside of the toilet, which you normally need a key to gain access to. If you need the key, simply go up to any single one of the basement venues and ask for the key. After stepping inside one of the stalls, I quickly realized my mistake. The floor of the toilet was completely drenched in urine, and none of the toilets were flushed! There was urine all of the floor and the seats. I was completely grossed out.

To make matters worse, the walls of the stalls were literally smeared with feces and graffiti pointing to the feces. After wiping down the toilet enough for me to actually sit on it, I had to hold my breath while I laughed at the graffiti while I released a nice #2. I have conveniently attached photos of the graffiti in this post. I'd like to think that I left a positive contribution behind.

This is literally the most disgusting toilet I have ever used. Well, not quite.
JuicyFoot Male, 46 years old.
Flushing, New York
On December 13, 2013, 10:17 am
What I Did in Here: took a very smelly and forced #2; held my nose the whole time

Feeling Fearless on a Friday

Use this unisex bathroom at your own risk. No amount of Fearless(ness) will make it fine.

I visited this bathroom on a Saturday with my dear daughter who is 4. With a tortured look and wrinkled up little nose, she whispered "Mommy it smells in here" Usually she shouts this for all to hear, but apparently the worse it smells, the quieter she says it. And man, did it smell. Not sure why because the last person had flushed. With all of the scented items in Trader Joes, I would have expected something added for an air freshener, like a cinnamon broom, but no such luck. There was an empty flower vase - even flowers would have helped.

WORST PART - there was feces spattered on the back of the toilet seat. My little one started sprinting for the door when she saw that. Unfortunately she had to go really bad. Good news is that she is small enough to only use the front third of the seat.

Floors, sink, and everything else needed cleaned desperately. I appreciated the 2 stools for little ones to reach the sink, but they were black on top from filth. Dirt also around the inside door handle from many many dirty hands. So gross. There was also a random dirty papertowel lying on the table that held the empty flower vase.

Trader Joes - please find some fearless employees who can keep this bathroom clean. You are scaring the children.
mommyitsmellsinhere Female, 45 years old.
Bethesda, Maryland
On December 13, 2013, 9:12 am
What I Did in Here: My little one (4 yrs) had to pee

After the famous fried chicken, I feel great...

Everyone's talking about the racy murals in the powder room, so I had to check it out for myself. If Restoration Hardware built a bathroom in the middle of the forest, this would be it.

Vintage industrial details like washboards, distressed wood details and lighting, it's so pretty you almost forget there's a man--we can only assume is Teddy himself--rough ridin' two chicks just beyond the trees, over hill and dale.

There is so much detail in er, here, you could forget all about your date waiting at the table. We give it a thumbs up for cleanliness and naughty fun.
marieontoilette Female, 42 years old.
On December 12, 2013, 1:31 am
What I Did in Here: Frolic like a woodland nymph